Historically, I’m a silly bitch in relationships. In this era of fuck feelings, get a bag, I find myself floundering in my desire to uphold this mentality that conflicts with everything I’m used to. Since I was a child, I found myself doing things I didn’t really want to do in the name of “swallowing my pride” to make a relationship work. Even with friends.

As someone socialized as a girl/woman (with a heaping helping of Blackness on top of that), allowing people to violate my boundaries was just par for the course. This pairs nicely with a lifelong inability to manage rejection well and a desire to prevent it at any cost. Compound that with my Blackness and the idea that I would be taking care of people for the rest of my life, I quickly came to understand that it was exclusively my job to make sure that my relationships would sink or swim. It’s not lost on me, though, that although silly bitch behavior transcends gender, it’s overwhelmingly present in people who are in relationships with men.

Which brings me to being a silly bitch. For me now, in the midst of my quarter life crisis, feeling rejected triggers my insecurities about being my authentic self and my not-so-secret fear that no one will actually like the real me, and that when I’m rejected because I’ve been trying to be who I thought someone wanted me to be it’s just a sign that the person wasn’t going to like the real me. The act of being who I think someone wants me to be is in and of itself, silly bitch behavior and I recognize that. Authenticity is something I’m working hard on in therapy, and part of that means knowing how to set boundaries in the first place that will stop me from wanting to perform for people so they’ll like me.

Establishing boundaries is hard enough in the first place, but getting over your habit of letting people backflip over them is an entirely different beast. And honestly, that’s all silly bitch behavior boils down to. Tap dancing for a partner’s approval, doing labor you otherwise would find irrational, or even going as far as committing violence in the name of showing someone you care about them are all manifestations of how we react to having our boundaries violated.

But what is the boundary violation, really? And why does it make us act so out of character? Generally, we’re not feeling prioritized or we’re being otherwise disrespected by that person we care so much about.

The prevailing culture of monogamy we all grew up with indicates that someone not doing right by us is OUR fault, that our partner is responding to a lack of something in the relationship to keep them invested. This is usually used as a justification for cheating, as an example. By extension, we now have to prove ourselves to keep this person around. Cue the spending on lavish gifts, alterations to our style or bodies, overlooking someone not tending to our needs, or even potentially dangerous behavior like stalking.

We tell ourselves that if we work harder, then they will finally love us the way we want to be loved. Regardless of the numerous ways they’ve fallen short of our expectations even with explicit communication. This is to say nothing of the cultural directive that tells Black women to “be a man’s peace” or be a “ride or die”. I could get into how that mindset is almost never reciprocated by men, because women are supposed to desire the affection of a man above all else and we’re socialized into this role.

It’s hard because once we’re out of it, realizing we’ve participated in silly bitch behavior is, among many things, shameful. It’s comical sometimes to look back on our relationships, or read someone else’s story, and see the ridiculous things we do for love. But silly bitch behavior isn’t always as obvious as taking back your partner who’s cheated on you 10 times or got you so upset you keyed their car. Sometimes, it’s as small as swallowing your frustration because they, yet again, forgot to do something you asked. Everything doesn’t have to turn into a fight in a relationship, but there comes a point where ignoring your reaction to something is more detrimental than just confronting it.

Nine times out of ten, engaging in silly bitch behavior for someone is a sign that the relationship isn’t going to work out without intentional communication and change from everyone involved. So when it doesn’t work out and we have time to reflect on what we did, it’s embarrassing more than anything else. But I get it. For everyone who’s been a silly bitch, I see you and I want you to have patience with yourself. We can’t undo what’s already been done, but we can hold our L in the moment and resolve to do better the next time we’re put in that situation. Recognizing what prompts us to act a certain way can reveal a lot about our insecurities, fears, and anxieties. But, choosing to confront them rather than putting them to the side is not only useful for avoiding dumb bitch behavior in the future, it also helps us grow as people.

I’m not saying I’ll never do some goofy bitch activity in a relationship again though. But, I’m learning to be okay with letting things be, and that sometimes mean removing someone from my life before I let myself do something foolish because of them. This requires confronting my fear of rejection, and understanding that no matter what hat I put on, I won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. Realizing that has made it a lot easier for me to stop trying to be who I think people want me to be. It’s definitely cost me relationships, but the ones that have stuck around as I continue this journey towards authenticity have become closer and deeper as a result.