Social Distancing, Sex Toys, & Suppressed Libido

Social Distancing and isolation in the wake of COVID-19 has indelibly changed how we interact with our friends, families, partners and communities. From things like being more conscientious about respecting people’s space to wearing masks in public as a more common feature of everyday life, it’s inevitable that these social shifts would impact our sex lives too. 

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While you’re probably being inundated with articles about people buying sex toys to occupy themselves, public health messages about how to stay safe from COVID if you absolutely have to have sex, and 24/7 horny hours on Twitter, it’s also important to remember that we’re in the midst of a global pandemic and collapsing economy. To call this moment in time anxiety-inducing is a massive understatement. 

We’ve collectively been in flight or fight mode for the better part of 2 months and our bodies are just not meant to sustain this level of cortisol (stress hormone) production for such a long period of time. For some of us the more acute symptoms of stress are subsiding and what we may be thinking of as an adjustment to the “new normal” could be our bodies’ ways of adjusting how we function. So while we may not feel as anxious as we did when this first started, we have no way to tell what the long term effects of this will be on our bodies, or our mental health. We’re basically in an extending grief and coping period for the foreseeable future.

One of the ways that people have been managing their anxiety, though, is by focusing on what they can control and adjusting the ways they look for pleasure in order to: 

1. Kill time since we’re still stuck inside 

2. Try to boost production of some happy hormones like dopamine or serotonin

3. Manage their loneliness, which is necessary for everyone but especially people who are isolating alone.

It almost goes without saying that masturbation, in general, checks all of those boxes. But let’s say you took a trip over to my friends at Just Mindful and found something you liked from their massive selection of vibrators for example, but when it arrived it was the last thing you wanted to use or look at because your sex drive has taken a nosedive because of anxiety. Is that normal and even if it’s not, how can you fix it?

While sex and masturbation can be stress relievers, a global pandemic that has severely altered the global economy has thrown us into a form of “survival stress”. This is one of the most common reasons that your libido is in the toilet, because your lizard brain has kicked in and you need to focus on keeping yourself and your family alive. Biologically, having sex for pleasure or procreation isn’t much of a necessity right now since it doesn’t help you in the short term so it’s not something your body feels the need to give much energy to. 

As a generally anxious person myself, I certainly felt this kind of libido drop during the early weeks of lockdown. Couple this stress with spending more time with our partners (for those of us who are partnered and mostly staying at home), different eating/exercise habits, or a fear of getting pregnant during *gestures wildly* all of this, and it’s a perfect mix for a non-existent sex drive.   

But the good news is that it’s likely not permanent, especially if this is the first time this has happened to you. If you’re actively trying to get back in the metaphorical saddle, it’s important to keep a few things in mind. First, we are still in the middle of a pandemic, regardless of what our respective state governments are trying to force us to do. It’s perfectly okay if you don’t feel back to “normal” even if you really want to be. Be patient with yourself and try not to get bogged down in guilt for not wanting to masturbate or have sex. It’s your body’s way of reminding you that as far as it’s concerned, there are more important things to focus on. 

Secondly, it’s a great idea to use this as a good reason to reconnect with your sensuality. Engaging your senses even if you’re not actively seeking an orgasm by setting the mood and turning inward to reconnect with your body is a great practice to start during a time like this. But it’s also okay if you don’t even want to do that! Waking up and keeping ourselves fed and hydrated is really all we need to focus on right now.

There’s no guidebook for any of this. Whether you’re only focusing on getting through each day, finding new ways to feel pleasure with yourself, or trying to manage a relationship with a new sexual dynamic, it’s okay not to have all of the answers. It’s also okay to feel different day to day. Finding peace and connection with yourself and others (virtually, unless they already live with you) is just one way to get through this.

Many thanks to my friends at Just Mindful for their support in writing this post!

Southern Sex Ed: How Helping Others Unlearn Shame & Stigma Helped Me Do the Same

This post is (not) coincidentally being released with my American Sex Podcast episode, up now on your favorite podcast platform!

Being a podcast guest was a completely new experience for me, but I give so many thanks to Sunny and Ken for making it super comfortable and really fun. This probably comes as a surprise to no one, but I struggle with imposter syndrome a lot as a “sexuality writer/blogger/personality/whatever” who doesn’t do this full time. I’m always wondering about if anyone cares about what I have to say and if it even matters. While I enjoyed defending POCs right to love mayonnaise and explaining purity ceremonies on the show, being able to talk about what I do and why I do it really put this-meaning my work as a blogger-all back into perspective for me.

I started this blog nearly 3 years ago at a point of major transition in my life. I was about to leave college and was just staring into the void of the unknown future. But because college was such a profoundly transformative experience for me (ask anyone who knew me in high school), I knew that I wanted to really take steps to find my voice and share it with the world because I have a passion for educating. And because sex ed was a big part of my life in school, it made a lot of sense for me to try to fill what I saw as a major gap in the digital world - young Black people talking about sexuality and relationships in ways that I could relate to. It was not this cohesive of a thought or purpose when it first came to me (I’m not even going to pretend), but this is what I eventually landed on.

In talking with friends while I was in school, I realized that so much of what I felt about sex wasn’t an isolated experience. But it’s really hard building community to be open in a positive and healthy way about something considered so shameful like sexuality. Especially as a woman. ESPECIALLY as a Black woman with a Southern Christian upbringing. But I took it upon myself to try and do so. Growing up, while I understood how sex worked and its risks, I never learned how to regard sex as something pleasurable for me. As something that I shouldn’t feel shame about openly desiring. And unlearning that is HARD when women are routinely ostracized socially and sometimes face violence for being open about their sexuality.

When you know how difficult it was to unlearn certain ways of thinking for yourself, it makes it that much harder to want to challenge those mindsets when it comes to talking to people you know. You don’t want to step on toes, ruin friendships, or make yourself a pariah, but it’s also hard to sit by and watch people struggle with dissatisfaction in their lives because they’re holding themselves to an impossible standard.

And that’s where I found a lot of trouble in my early days as a blogger. Trying to be relatable while still informative is hard enough, but sanitizing my message so it would be palatable to the masses just killed my actual purpose in writing in the first place. I was wondering all the time why I couldn’t find my voice or why it felt like my writing wasn’t impactful when the reality was that I was silencing myself to avoid rocking the boat too hard. That tension only resolves by being authentic.

I still struggle with owning my sexuality and being comfortable with being open about it, and that’s despite knowing all of the “right” things to do to overcome it! It’s so much more difficult feeling like you’re walking a path alone, which is why I wanted Sexology Bae to make people feel like they had someone who could relate to their experiences and feelings. Whether it’s twitter threads or answering Sexology Bae Says Questions, I try to remind myself and anyone following my work that unlearning stigma and shame around sexuality is a PROCESS. It didn’t show up overnight and it damn sure won’t go away overnight either.

What’s been really helpful for me, as I continue to learn and grow, is to acknowledge my fears about putting myself out there and being open about uncomfortable topics like sex. Granted, I generally avoid diving into specifics about my sex life out of respect for my partners’ privacy, but being a woman discussing sex on the internet is a vulnerable space to be in. Every time I’m sharing thoughts about sex, or my body, or relationships, I’m doing so with the full understanding that I’m exposing myself to judgement from people, whether they know me or not. But silence is a tactic of the privileged that enables power structures to remain in place, and it’s doing a disservice to myself and the people that support me to allow fear to control my actions.

Acknowledging the fear, for me, helps me feel a bit less hypocritical when I don’t live up to my own advice or delete a draft because I don’t think anyone will be receptive to it. It’s lonely being “that person” sometimes, but as time has gone on, I find myself connecting with more people as I continue to be more real about my thoughts and feelings. It truly feels like Sexology Bae, as a person, brand, and blog, is really just getting started so I hope y’all are all in on this ride with me.