This post originally appeared on aceinthehole.co
As a twentysomething, within my lifetime I’ve seen ENM go from a relatively unknown alternative lifestyle more commonly associated with kink communities to a better-known relationship configuration style that is gaining more widespread approval.
With visibility, though, does not necessarily come understanding. Popular depictions of non-monogamy in traditional media as well as social media are still susceptible to influences from hetero-patriarchy and its accompanying -isms like racism, colorism, sexism, and fatphobia...ism. As a Black polyamorous woman, I find myself playing double duty as an ambassador for non-monogamy to my personal communities and an ambassador for Black people in non-monogamous ones. This is a common experience, as discussed by educator and author Kevin A. Patterson, M.Ed in his book, Love's Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities.
What I’ve observed is that education for something as misunderstood as ENM needs to be, at the least, dual-natured. Clarifying language and definitions helps those who are not non-monogamous understand the differences in relationship styles. Within ENM communities, the onus is on those more aligned with dominant identities to foster an inclusive community which starts with introspection and self-education. Consider this post an opportunity to do just that, pull double duty to educate across communities because those of us who overlap within them have to do it whether we want to or not.
Ethical non-monogamy is, to put it simply, the sum of its parts. In my daily life I don’t often use the “ethical” portion of the term because it’s implied, but for education purposes it’s important to understand what it means. Non-monogamy, in and of itself, refers to having multiple romantic and/or sexual partners at one time. This is why the distinction of “ethical” non-monogamy is so important for people who practice it because the definition of non-monogamy alone includes cheating, which is always unethical regardless of relationship orientation because it’s inherently non-consensual.
Many people choose non-monogamy for a variety of reasons, so if you ask 10 people what their non-monogamous relationship(s) look like, you’ll get 11 answers. Below, I’ll list some non-monogamous relationship styles and their common definitions. I cannot emphasize enough that this list is not exhaustive and may not be the way that a particular person defines how they do [insert relationship style here], but it’s a good starting point for those who aren’t familiar with ENM. This blog post by Franklin Veaux has an in-depth chart you may have seen floating around the internet that shows more relationship configurations as well as their overlap.
Polygamy/Polyandry: Multiple marriage. Polygamy is one person with multiple wives, and polyandry is one person with multiple husbands. This is what most people think about when they think of ENM, as it’s what’s most commonly depicted in the media (like Sister Wives) and has some cultural acceptance because of the legality of multiple marriage in certain places.
Polyamory: Multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships with consent of all involved. This can take multiple forms, but polyamory includes romantic relationships in addition to sexual ones and people are aware that they are involved with a polyamorous person. Other kinds of ENM also fall under the polyamory umbrella.
Polyamorous relationships can include:
Solo Polyamory: People who engage in polyamorous relationships but are still independent and don’t seek a primary partner (in hierarchical polyamory, a primary is a person’s most significant relationship). Solo Polyamory can be closely related to Relationship Anarchy but isn’t the same.
Triad: Three people who are dating each other, most commonly a couple who finds another partner.
Quad: Four people who are all dating each other, most commonly a couple who finds another couple.
Vee Shape: One person who is dating two people who aren’t dating each other, like a triad without one of the links.
Parallel Polyamory: People who do not engage with their partner’s partners (also called metamours). People who have multiple polyamorous relationships that do not intersect.
Open Relationships: People in an already-established relationship decide that one or both of them can engage in sexual and/or romantic relationships outside of their own. ORs can encompass other ENM types.
Swinging: These are generally casual sexual relationships that both partners of a relationship engage in, but can be more formalized group dynamics while remaining strictly sexual.
Monogamish: Members of a couple occasionally date other people.
Relationship Anarchy: Prioritizes spontaneity and freedom between and with partners. This one is a common identifier but also hard to clearly define.
For people interested in ethical non-monogamy, all the definitions and categories are overwhelming. As an example, I am in an open relationship and practice parallel polyamory. I have a primary partner who I’m marrying this year, but we do not date the same people and the people we date do not engage with each other. We’ll also remain non-monogamous after we’re married. It’s so easy to get caught up in doing ENM the right way that you don’t do it in a satisfying way. This is why community is so important, and why the digital age has done wonders for helping people access information about non-monogamy. What happens, though, when these communities don’t feel welcome to you because you don’t see faces like yours in these spaces? This creates the feeling that Kevin Patterson describes in Love’s Not Color Blind, that non-monogamy is “white people shit”. What happens all too often is that well meaning white people and their attempts to diversify end up tokenizing people of color-- or anyone with a non-dominant identity. To say nothing of the interpersonal racism that happens in polyamorous spaces.
Tokenization is defined in Love’s Not Color Blind as “the practice of making only a... symbolic effort to…[recruit] a small number of people from underrepresented groups in order to give the appearance of sexual or racial equality…”(p. 82, emphasis by author). In polyamorous communities, tokenism shows up as the same few people of color being heralded as the faces of non-white polyamory. In in-person gatherings, a handful of PoC at an event is considered a success because the expectation is that none would show up.
Love’s Not Color Blind details multiple people’s personal experiences with tokenization in polyamorous spaces, and Patterson takes community organizers to task for their “passive exclusion” of marginalized people. Passive exclusion, Patterson explains, happens when community leaders and event organizers are not working to be actively inclusive. This puts unspoken stress on people of color who want to be part of these communities to always show up and bring other people to enhance visibility of non-white members of the community. Unpaid labor like this is often thankless and exhausting, and takes all of the fun out of something that, at its core, is supposed to be about forming new connections.
Whether you’re a monogamous person who’s trying to understand alternative lifestyles or a white polyamorous person, we all have (un)learning to do. Looking to educators of all identities and stepping outside of your comfort zone is the first step towards a more loving world. While it’s challenging, internal growth only happens when we’re pushed beyond our edges of experience.
